


Phil Coulson: A User Maintenance Guide

by FreakinMi



Series: Marvel User Guides [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™, User guide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 04:41:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2011275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreakinMi/pseuds/FreakinMi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thank you for purchasing the exclusive True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit of the ‘S.H.I.E.L.D. Exclusives 2014’ series from Marvel. Your order will arrive 3-4 weeks after payment has been received.</p><p>Please take the time to read and follow the instructions in this manual to ensure optimum functionality and to get the most out of your product.</p><p>A parody user guide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phil Coulson: A User Maintenance Guide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IncendianFirefly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncendianFirefly/gifts).



> Hello! This is another of my user manuals that I've written over time. The style is completely stolen from another story, which had stolen it from one in turn. But no matter, it's all just a bit of fun! Sadly not beta'd and English is not my native tongue, forgive the typos and errors! Enjoy the manual!

**Phil Coulson: User Maintenance Guide**

Thank you for purchasing the exclusive True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit of the ‘S.H.I.E.L.D. Exclusives 2014’ series from Marvel. Your order will arrive 3-4 weeks after payment has been received.

Please take the time to read and follow the instructions in this manual to ensure optimum functionality and to get the most out of your product.

 

**BASIC INFORMATION:**

Name: Phillip J. Coulson (Also answers to Agent, Principal or plainly Phil amongst friends)  
Origin: Earth, Human  
Height: 5'8.5"  / 174 cm  
Weight:  163lbs / 74kg  
Eye color: Blue  
Hair color: Brown

 

**YOUR True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ COMES WITH THE FOLLOWING :**

\- Two sets of tailored black suits incl. blue ties (He'll be wearing one of them at arrival)  
\- Captain America pajama  
\- Complete collection of vintage Captain America Trading Cards  
\- Level 8 S.H.I.E.L.D. ID Card - Taser

 

The deluxe True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit (Only available for ages 18 and up)  also comes with:

\- Lola (A hover car)  
\- Revenge (Also referred to as Coulson's Revenge, a prototype weapon  
\- He knows what it does)

 

**HOW TO INSTALL YOUR True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ UNIT:**

After receiving your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit by mail unpack him and place him in the room you have assigned for him. Please note that the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ Unit is very humble and does not require much of his room, and what he does require he will get himself, as you probably do not have the proper clearance to get the things anyway. It is however highly recommended that you hang a framed  'Captain America WANTS YOU for the army' poster on his wall (This poster can be purchased at our online shop).

 

DO NOT unpack any of the items your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit is shipped with. While the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit is polite, he does not like it when others tamper with his equipment and he would like to put them into their proper place himself. If any items are missing he will inform you of this himself.

 

In the case of the deluxe True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit, he will demand closed garage parking for Lola.

 

Once he has been unpacked he will awaken within a few hours. He will automatically register the place he wakes up at as his home and base. He will then come to you, introduce himself and request a tour of your home. There is no use for further calibration or installations as your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit has already been preinstalled with English as well as your local language package.

 

**THE True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ UNIT'S MODES:**

_Keep-calm-and-this-isn't-my-first-rodeo_ : This is your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit's standard mode and will be the one he wakes up in when arriving at your home. In this mode he will be very professional and slightly distant, everything you say can and may be used against you at a later time should it be necessary. He will have a very calm facade and will try to help you in whatever you may need his assistance for. The unit may at times also seem slightly cocky and wear a half-smirk while studying you and your family. Do not worry over this, it's is perfectly normal and benign. Unless you are part of the mafia or another such family, then we do not recommend the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit for you.

 

 _Number-1-Super-nanny_ : In this mode your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit will shred any ounce of friendly professionalism and he will straight out become a sadistic nanny type. He will insist that whatever he feels need to be done gets done, and he may threaten you with his taser and watching Supernanny while you drool into the carpet if you fail to comply. This is all for the greater good, as this mode only activates should you fall too far below his personal acceptable limit of professional behavior. This may concern anything from work/homework to housework and manners. Should his tactics towards you fail, he may pose as your boss or headmaster (depending on your situation) in order to keep you on a short leash.  

 

 _Number-1-Fanboy_ : When in this mode the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit completely loses control of himself and may gain star sparkles in his eyes while he will rant about the Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ unit for everything he got. It is also very possible that he will rip of his suit in order to display his Captain America whole-body spandex outfit or that he may go over a long series of anecdotes  on how he obtained all his collectible vintage cards. Your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit will automatically revert into this mode every time he spots a Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ unit or someone mentions this unit or a deed he has done. Only in very rare cases is he able to ignore his biggest idol in order to focus on other things. Such a case could actually be an attempt at impressing said idol or if the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ is nearby looking grim.

 

 _Tahiti-It's-a-magical-place_ : We have included this mode at the request of our test users, as the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit tends to be otherwise very serious to be around. In this mode your unit will go into an almost vacation-like mood, and he will be relaxed about everything he would usually stress over. This means staying up late, sleeping in and maybe it doesn't really matter if the laundry waits a day or two more. You may also find that he is suddenly very capable of actually having fun and cracking jokes. We recommend that you only use this mode a few times a month at maximum.

 

**NOTEABLE COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER UNITS OF THE S.H.I.E.L.D. EXCLUSIVES 2014 SERIES**

Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™: Your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit will have the utmost respect for this unit and will blindly do whatever the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit asks of yours. The respect is however entirely mutual as the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ deeply cares for your unit. They may even consider each other friends.

 

**NOTEABLE COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER SERIES UNITS:**

Damn Fine Ass Hawkeye Clint Barton™: Your unit has a great relationship with this unit as they share a long history together, this to such an extent that you may find that the Damn Fine Ass Hawkeye Clint Barton™ will hang around your home every now and then. As with most other units, your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ considers this unit more of a colleague than an actual friend.

 

Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™: The relationship with this unit is almost the same as with the Damn Fine Ass Hawkeye Clint Barton™ unit. However the Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™ is even less sociable than  your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit, which means that the time they spend together mostly involves silently observing their surroundings (you) and sharing notes hereon.

 

Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™: Your unit has a quite ambivalent relationship with this unit based on the mode of the Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™ unit. The True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit will attempt at respectable, professional behavior, but should the other unit provoke yours it may very well go into 'Number-1-Super-nanny' mode. The Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™ is also capable of bringing out the sassier side of your unit and you may catch a glimpse of the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ actually feeling entertained.

 

Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™: If you are not aware of how your units feels about this unit, you may be in for quite a shock the first time they come across each other. Your unit is so enthralled by the Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ that it borders on a teenage crush and he will become close to uncontrollable. We wouldn't be surprised if the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ ended up proposing one of these days. The Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ will be a good sport about this although he feels slightly awkward with the whole situation.

 

**MAINTENANCE:**

Unsurprisingly the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit is more than capable of taking care of himself and all of his needs. He will look unfavorable upon you trying to help him in his daily tasks and especially in his cleaning rituals (he will require that no one else shares the bathroom with him while he is doing so).

 

He is not above performing most household manual labors himself and he makes sure that everything he uses of yours gets cleaned up and/or put in its proper place after use. He will require shoe shine and access to washing facilities for his clothes.  If you do not currently have it, we highly recommend that you invest in an iron and ironing board (or steamer) so that your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ may constantly keep his suits sharp and impeccable, unless you wish to pay for a store to keep his clothes clean.

 

The True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit is a surprisingly good cook and if he finds that you are being a very good boy or girl he may even reward you by cooking for you. If you are living with your parents he will assist whomever currently does the cooking. If you live alone or have trouble managing to do household chores in a busy week he may even assist by doing most of these for you.

 

Your unit does not require much from you in form of entertainment or any kind of upkeep, but if you wish to keep him happy you should show your support in him maintaining his S.H.I.E.L.D. related business, and every once in a while suggest watching old movies or going to museums and exhibitions. He is very much into cars and classics. This may lead to a solid bond between you and your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit.

 

**THINGS NOT TO DO WITH YOUR True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ UNIT:**

Your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit has a very high sense of justice and morale and you should strive to keep yours on the same level, if you wish to form a friendship with your unit.

 

Never under any circumstance should you try to use his S.H.I.E.L.D. ID  or passwords for snooping around in his work business - he will come down on you hard and you may be forced to wear trackers and other gadgets so he may always know what you are doing.

 

Don't touch Lola.

 

Do not in any way insult or badmouth Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ and especially not Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™. Your unit may not immediately show any reaction, but this will ruin any chance of you ever obtaining the highest level of trust and friendship with your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit.

 

Don't even think about touching his collection of vintage Captain America Trading Cards.

 

**FAQ & TROUBLESHOOTING:**

Q: My True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit has gone missing, what do I do?

A: Do not fret! There are perfectly safe reasons for you unit to be MIA. The first likely scenario is that he is on a mission with S.H.I.E.L.D., in which case you can contact any nearby Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ for further details. The other likely scenario is that he has stumbled across an Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ unit in 'Frozen-sleeping-beauty' mode and he has taken to watching over this magnificent creature until it awakens again. In either case, give it a total of 3-4 days, after which you should contact us again and we will locate your unit for you and bring it home.  Never worry for your unit, he is very well versed with several weapon types and combat styles and can easily defend himself (and you).

 

Q: My True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit is just standing in his room, starring dreamily up at his Captain America poster, is he broken?

A: No, this is normal.

 

Q: There's a bunch of similarly uniformed people at my house, how do I get rid of them?

A: You shouldn't. You may voice your objections on these houseguests to your unit and he will do his best to relocate the agents until their task has been completed (likely subduing one of our villain-units). We do however recommend that you keep housing them as this will earn you respect and gratitude from your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit, which he will be sure to let you know once the mission is over.

 

Q: My True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit has been in 'Tahiti-It's-a-magical-place' mode for a couple of days, and I'm starting to worry he's going insane. What do I do?

A: You bring in a Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit ASAP! Your unit may be damaged if it is stuck in this mode for a longer period of time, he is not intended for longer periods of frivolous fun and games.

 

Q: HELP! I think my True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit is stuck in 'Number-1-Super-nanny' mode. How do I make this torture stop? I haven't slept past 6 in days - I can't  remember the last time I procrastinated!

A:  This is perfectly normal behavior for the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit. It means that you have still not  met his demands for you. If you find that you really cannot deal with the ~~torture~~ education any more we recommend that you distract your unit by bringing in an Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ unit.

 

Q: I found a level 1 S.H.I.E.L.D ID on my desk, what does that mean?

A: Congratulations! You have somehow managed to live so much up to your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit's expectations that he has decided you will be an asset to S.H.I.E.L.D.. In this case it means you will have access to low level information regarding all of our units and that you may keep track of our future events and releases before everyone else.

 

 Q: My neighbor bought an Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ unit and he's mowing the lawn half naked!

A: Normally we would say "You're welcome!", but given that you're the owner of a True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit we're going to say "Good luck!". Or well, given the daily exposure to his idol, you unit should actually gradually learn control during his 'Number-1-Fanboy' mode, this may take up to two months depending on how often they run into each other. Until then we can only suggest that you enjoy the view and that you join the Agent in swooning over the American muscle.  

 

**WARRANTIES:**

While your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit is not invincible it is very unlikely that it will ever come to such great harm that it cannot be fixed back up good as new. Should your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit  happen be gravely hurt, he will be sent to "Tahiti" for a quick fix up, and will be returned to you good as new.

 

If your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™  is behaving strangely or seems suspicious when you mention the word "Tahiti", please call our hotline and we will send a repair technician over.

 

No refunds are given on any of our units, but if you are unhappy with your purchase you may return your True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ to us permanently and purchase a different unit that may be more to your liking, but please note that the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit is close to being the most easily manageable unit in our selection.

**Author's Note:**

> I always enjoy answer further questions "in character", if they are worded as if you were a buyer!


End file.
